Good Things Come In Small Packages

episode: night terror

2009-05-26T09:15:00.001-07:00

Clarissa I didn't know your story but thank you for sharing it and your comments. Everyone, thanks so much for reading and commenting, it really does mean a lot to me.

So I'm going to skip ahead a bit but don't worry I will come back. I'm going to start where I left off on my last entry. It is July now.

I was so overwhelmed and saddened by what had happened to Barbara (secretary at school) and I could not put it out of my mind. I started thinking about the nicu and what happened there constantly. I would stay up hours into the night just thinking about it. I thought about what had happened to other babies, sad things that had happened to mine, things I wish I had done differently and thing that nurses or doctors had done that really bothered me. I would cry and cry and sometimes I even got up and pulled a baby out of bed to sleep on my chest while I cried and held them. I started having nightmares about the nicu and the babies having to go back to the nicu. I was an absolute mess. Then I heard that there was another preemie in the ward and I immediately made contact with the mother. It turns out Jane Durham who lives around the corner had here baby a little early but it was other medical issues that had put Peter in the nicu. I didn't even know who she was, I wouldn't have recognized her on the street but I was desperate to help her. I did what I could although it wasn't much. I was more concerned with my obsession with the nicu and her situation than anything else. She wrote a blog and I read it obsessively. I knew something was wrong with me but I thought I was being dumb and shouldn't be upset about something that happened months ago. After a few months things weren't getting any better and we had a meeting with our insurance company. I kept breaking down and crying and the insurance lady thought it was because I was stressed about money which was not it at all. She walked me and the babies out to the car and I confided in her about what was going on. She told me I needed to get help and agreed to help me find it. She called a few days later and told me that I could get counseling for half price with my insurance but after calling around it I found that was still like $60 a session. I had tried to talk to Cam about it but he really just didn't get it. He tried to be understanding but he kept asking me why I was upset about something that happened months ago when the babies were now fine. In Oct. Cam changed jobs and with it came free counseling. I was elated, and terrified. I called and made an appointment and that's when I met Aimee Francom. She would teach me more about myself than I had learned from anyone else. I'll tell you more in coming posts because I think we can all learn from what Aimee knows.

episode: memorial day

2009-05-25T11:10:00.001-07:00

well, I went to the cemetery yesterday for the first time since the babies were born, (last year they were still in the nicu). We go every year and visit my grandparents. Unfortunately they both passed before I was born and I never met them. I have no memories of them and my dad rarely talks about them, thus visiting their graves never gets to me. This year I walked past a part of the cemetery I never had before (this is in Bountiful). All of the gravestones were very close together, that's when I realized it was a baby cemetery. The graves were covered in flowers, stuffed animals, and pictures of Jesus. I broke down. I thought of those whose babies don't make it and I looked at the parents visiting their graves. I wanted to run to them and wrap my arms around them.

After the babies got out, I wanted to go back to work so Cam took time off twice a week so I could teach a computer aided drafting class at the Art's Institute. While there I met the new secretary. One day I overheard her talked with the Dean about her daughter who was currently on bed rest in the hospital, pregnant with her first daughter. They were going to take the baby at 34 weeks. She was incredibly nervous and I immediately started telling her about my babies. I remember promising her that at 34 weeks she would be fine. If my 31 weekers could make it hers definitely could. I told her about all the technology they have now and my friend that had a 24 weeker make it. It became a weekly ritual for me to come and see her and reassure her. One day she wasn't in the office and I knew the time had come. About a week later she was there again and excitedly I raced in to her office and cheerily said, "How's she doing?" She looked at me with tear filled eyes and said, "Oh honey, she didn't make it." I'm crying as I tell you this. I felt terrible that I had encouraged her for all this time and then it was over and Maizy was gone. I sat with her and cried with her as she showed me pictures of her tiny granddaughter and remember giving her what she called a real hug. I have been thinking about her all day. This is her first memorial day.

That is the first time I knew that I was lucky. The first time I realized that I could've lost my babies. That really truly they could've died. I didn't understand how God could let some babies live and some babies die. I felt very guilty that when I got up in the morning my babies were waiting in their cribs while other parents had empty cribs. I was so overwhelmed with my almost loss. This is when I went really down hill and knew that I needed to get some counseling.

episode: other mother's

2009-05-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

One of the weirdest thing about the nicu is that you can't talk to other moms or ask any questions without attracting a lot of attention from the nurses. They are serious about privacy there which is great but seriously hinders making friends and getting the support you need. I eventually through my qualms out the window and started talking to people. I found that most people wanted to talk to me too. I met people of all different situations and cultures. There's an odd kind of competition spirit going on at the nicu and there really aren't any winners. If someone says, "My baby stopped breathing twice today" someone else says, "Oh, well mine stops breathing three times a day" It's like a competition to see who's suffering the most. On the other hand if you say, "My baby is finally off oxygen," then someone else says, "Oh, well my baby came out breathing room air." It's like you really can't win. You other nicu moms that read this did you feel that way?

One day in the A nursery total chaos broke out and there were doctors running everywhere and sirens going off. There was obviously a set of twins that had just been admitted in a dire situation. Kate and I left to get out of the way but I watched for that mother everyday and eventually had a chance to talk to her. I wanted to help her. They had one of the worst situations I had ever heard of. Her and her husband had 9 children under the age of 11 and had just moved to Provo from SLC when their insurance came through and they went to the hospital to get their first ultrasound. They found out in one shot that they were having twins, their twins had twin to twin transfusion, and they had to be taken immediately at only 24 weeks or lose one of their babies. It gave me a real reality check at how much worse things could be. The babies were barely alive and they had 9 at home in a brand new city in which they had lived for three days. It was very interesting to talk to this couple and I wish I had had time to get to know them better.

I have more stories to tell but this post is getting long so stay tuned.

episode: My Frist Mother's Day

2009-05-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

First shout out to Ann!! I totally remember you. How is Sam? Wasn't he your second nicu baby? I was always jealous that you did your hair while in the nicu. Update me.

My first mother's day was not what I assumed it would be. I woke up early and went to the nicu with Cam. He had bought me the Juno soundtrack and we listened it to it on the way there. Sea of Love always reminds me of the nicu now. When I was getting off the elevator a man I recognized was getting on. It was LeMar Barrington from my ward growing up. Karalee, his daughter, was a friend of mine that I had known for years but had lost contact with. Ironically I had met up with her at the OB's office where she was being seen for her baby due in July. Seeing her father I knew was not a good sign. We talked for a minute and I told him I had twins here and was Karalee here. She was. He took me to see her and there she was in the A nursery watching her little 28 weeker Joshua. He looked really good and I remember telling her this. She had had the baby on Friday at AF in an emergency birth and Joshua had immediately been transferred to UV, she had just been discharged. We talked for a while then she came to B side to see my twins. I made her sit down, she had just given birth and was trying to stand to be polite. Oh how I saw myself in her and wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything. It was so nice to have someone familiar in the nicu and have the chance to pass on some of the things I'd learned. We didn't stay long at the hospital because we were going to go to sacrament meeting.

It was the first time I had been to church since the birth of the twins and I was feeling rather uncomfortable. I did not feel like a mother and I was very emotional. In my head a mother was someone who put her child to bed, fed them, soothed them, and was totally responsible for them. Looking at my babies in a crib in a hospital did not make me feel like a mother but a tolerated by stander. I was sad. I wanted my babies home desperately. We were staying with my mom so we went to her ward's sacrament meeting. For some reason my family was not there. We squished in with a family in the middle section and immediately a woman who had had her own set of twins in the nicu a few years back came up and hugged me. We both started bawling and I told her I just couldn't talk about it yet. She'll never know how much that meant to me. I cried through the whole meeting and two rows back on my right, she did too. People never knew what to say to me at this point. Everyone just talked to my mom. I think people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing or offending someone that they say nothing at all. You don't have to have the magical gift of words but do something, a cry or a hug is enough. Some people gave me condolences and other congratulated me. Both felt wrong but at least they said something. At the end of the meeting they asked all the women to stand for a gift. I didn't. I couldn't. To me that was for mother's and I wasn't one.

Oddly this year I felt like a mother and all day Cam and I referred to this as my first mother's day. Cam made me breakfast in bed and the babies came and hung out on the bed with me while I fed them bits of waffle. It felt real now. I knew my babies, I loved them, and I took care of them. It was a nice day.

episode: The Baby Whisperer part I

2009-04-15T15:37:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite people I met in the nicu is Annie Miller, the occupational therapist. The nicu is her life which is really nice for all of us moms. She studied babies like you can't believe. She knew everything about development and could read babies sign incredibly well. Every Friday she had a class about development that was open to all nicu parents and their families. It was required that you attend at least once before you could take your baby home. It was incredibly overwhelming. You realize just how far behind your baby is and how easy it is to mess your baby up. I was sitting next to Tracy this day and Annie handed around a sheet showing photo's of babies brains at each week of development. I remember Tracy pointing at the 25 week brain and saying, "This is what Daniel's brain looks like." It looked like a shrimp, a tiny little gray uncooked shrimp with a couple veins. I wondered how our babies could ever be normal when they were so far behind. She also showed us a picture of two boys wearing glasses with extremely tall and narrow heads. She explained that when babies are born too early their skulls aren't firm yet and when they lay down their heads start to form to the bed creating 2 flat sides on each side of the head. The pressure of your brain squeezing like that actually creates major visual impairment because your eyeballs are squished together. This one really alarmed me because the neonatologists had already pointed out that both of babies had this problem. The good news is that it can be fixed if you are very diligent for the first 9 months of life, after this it is what it is. How you fix it is that you have to rotate their heads like little rotisserie chickens as Annie liked to call it. Most importantly they need to lay on their back of their heads which preemies don't do naturally. They have what they call a preemie halo which is a rubber round ring you place behind their head that forces them to look straight up. My kids needed to be on it for an hour a day. I was obsessed with it and would ask the nurse on duty every single day to make sure and do it even though it was already in their charts. She taught us that our babies already knew who we were and that a baby can smell their mother 30 feet away. Pretty impressive!! They cannot see very well though and rarely open their eyes. Sense of smell develops earlier in the womb and preemies have a heightened sense of smell. They ask you not to wear any lotion or perfume in the nicu. She taught us to always touch our baby without saying anything in the same way every time. Preemies are easily over stimulated and when they are their bodies just shut down. So you never want to touch and talk to them at the same time. It is too much for them. She said that cupping them on the head is a very calming touch so that's what Cam and I decided to do as our signature touch.

2009-04-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

I cannot make pics go where I want to save my life so here's Stella's to go with the last post.

episode: one year down

2009-04-12T20:11:00.001-07:00

Can you believe it the babies are 1 year old!! The time has really gone fast in ways and slow in others. I have had a very emotional day, well morning at least. The birthday was great (I'll be posting about that on the family blog camcarterfamily.blogspot.com) but I also felt a little sad. This whole week I have been really contemplative. A year ago I was at a really crazy place and it was panicky. I have felt really sad because this isn't suppose to be their birthday. April was not it! My whole pregnancy I imagined my June babies, my summer babies but that wasn't to be and though I've made peace with it this was just kind of hard. I didn't expect it but this morning I was just overwhelmed with how hard this has been. The hardest year of my life for sure. It's different to feel pain for someone else. My trial was dealing with my babies trials. I'm a control freak and I've had no control on this one. They have grown so much!! Last night I measured them and took foot prints to compare with their baby ones. Here's a little about both of them:

Luca Andrew Carter born 4/11/08 8:17 pm

weight: 3 lbs 8 oz current weight 18 lbs 8 oz

length: 16" current length: 28"

Luca is my cuddle bug. He loves to be held and snuggle in my arms. His cry is so sad and pathetic that no one can resist picking him up, he melts your heart!! He loves to splash like crazy in the bathtub and smiles huge when he gets you wet. He's a good sleeper and goes down easy, he's always the first up in the morning and furiously hungry. We call him the goat baby because he'll eat anything in a bottle, medicine, any kind of formula, cow milk, juice, cereal you name it. That has just recently extended to solid food as well. He is very curious and contemplative and likes to figure out how things work. He doesn't laugh or smile often but when he does it's worth any effort. He loves music and will whip lash around to watch the opening of Law & Order SVU and the geico commercials with the stack of cash with eyeballs on it. He loves reading rainbow and will watch a whole episode without moving. He likes to drum his hands on anything even his bottle just to hear the sound. He runs like a maniac in his walker and gets giddy and giggly when he does. He loves animals they fascinate him and loves to hang out with dad.

Stella Rachel Carter 4/11/08 8:27 pm

weight: 3 lbs 15 oz current weight: 18 lbs 8 0z

height: 16.5" current height: 28"

Stella is my social butterfly. She loves people and always wants to be in on the fun. She won't go to sleep or eat if she thinks there's a party going on. She laughs easily and giggles about the most random things. She loves it when I make a startled / surprised face and is extremely ticklish. She laughs so hard she can't breathe and it's so cute with her tiny teeth on the bottom. She is very independent and likes to do things herself. She's good at getting around and hates to sit still for any reason. She loves the bathtub and we like to call her our water baby because she never wants to get out. She is very self sufficient and rarely requires anything of me. Whenever I go to get her after a nap or in the morning she's is always sitting up waiting for me with her head pressed between the bars with a huge smile. She has become the patient baby although that hasn't always been the case. She loves to look in the mirror, apparently the baby looking back is hilarious! She likes to growl like a dinosaur or talk in a deep voice that sounds German. We call her Dinostella, Stellasauras, or Frau Stella. Recently she has been saying yoydle a lot (which rhymes with soy-dole) she says it over and over very fast and it cracks us up. She loves the cell phones and begs for it while I'm talking on it. She loves to hear grandma say hi on the phone, it's a big thrill. Daddy coming home is her favorite time of the day, oh how she flirts with him.

Oh how I love my two babies!! They may be exactly the same weight and length right now but they definitely have different personalites.

episode: Parent Support Group

2009-04-09T11:32:00.001-07:00

9 comments that's a new record!! Thanks so much. A lot of you expressed not knowing what to say and I get that, it's not a problem. I just like knowing that someone is reading it so don't feel like you even have to say anything I just felt sad when I got 0 comments on the last couple entries.

The parent support group is a group of volunteers that have all previously had a child in the nicu that do activities for the parents. Every Tuesday was pizza night, and once a week they put a gift at your child's bedside. The funny thing about this is that the gift you get depends on the week you're at so when you see someone elses gift you can guess how long they've been there. The first week I avoided the group completely I was just not interested yet in talking to everyone else, I was still recovering from birth. The second week I wanted to go and see what it was all about. So Tuesday I dragged Cam to Pizza Night. There were only a few other couples there all with much more critical babies that had been at the nicu for months now. It was a different place, conversation was unique here. I could here the 2 couples next to us discussing brain bleed levels. The lady on the other side of us was on her 3rd preemie. Which is very common because once you've had a preemie your very likely to have another one and each one gets earlier. I was concerned about our children being normal at this point and asked her how her now 4 year old preemie was doing. She told me, "Oh he's doing great you'd never even know he was a preemie," I felt hope and then, "I mean, he can't walk but that's just about the only thing." I thought this was crazy and totally freaked me out. Then everyone started talking about a baby that had been at the nicu that was 12oz. I mean it was crazy here! I couldn't believe there had been a 12 oz baby and he made it. Then I found out that UVRMC is a family choice hospital which means that a family gets to choose whether they want their baby saved or not. At other hospital's the Dr. just chooses and then tells the parents it didn't make it. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Two of the couples said that their babies would not have been saved if they hadn't been at a family choice hospital. It was all so sad and depressing. That night I went home and had a total break down. I felt like nothing else was important. How could I ever compalin, feel sorry for myself, or worry about things like having no clothes when there were 12 oz babies in the world.

In the next weeks the Parent Support Group became a lot better. I always tried to talk to new couples and reach out to them. It actually was supportive and the volunteers were great. I even went to scrapbook morning a couple times on Thursday even though I don't scrapbook. I would love to be on a parent support group someday.

episode: progress, I guess

2009-04-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

So about a week in they moved Stella and Luca together much to Luca's dismay (Stella was put in his bed) and they had jaundice so they had the billi lights all the time. I thought it funny that the nurses kept reassuring me about the jaundice because I was just grateful that they were alive and breathing all be it with a tube. I was getting quite familiar with my routine now. I would wake up pump and head for the hospital where I'd spend time with the babies, do skin to skin and then pump at the hospital and return home for a nap another pumping schedule and then when Cam got home we'd go to the hospital again. It took 30 minutes to get there from my parents house where I was staying so at this point it was 2 hours in the car. Often my grandma came with me in the morning and held Luca because that was my time to hold Stella. When she wasn't there I held them both together but that was very difficult because the had no muscle tone at all so they just kind of collapsed against my chest and if a head fell off to the side or something like that I couldn't fix it and would have to call the nurse. The babies were located in front of big floor to ceiling windows and the parking lot was right below. When I pulled in I'd look up to their window on the fifth floor and I could see their beds. I would whisper, "I'm coming babies!" I was so excited every day to see them. I should note that I only did my hair once the entire time they were in the nicu and I normally went to the nicu in pajama's, or maternity jeans and flip flops. These were not exactly my most gorgeous days. It was during these days that my mom met Denise. She was a nurse there although not over my babies and my mom and her were just kind of drawn to each other. After talking with my mom she asked to be my primary nurse. She is an angel. I'll talk more about her later on. One day I walked up to my babies spot and they were gone. I looked around a little alarmed and just stood there not knowing what to do. A nurse passing by noticed me and told me they were moved to Nursery B and I could go see them over there. She took me to their new home. I didn't like nursery B as much as A for many reasons:

1. I was on a side with no windows

2. I was next to the noisy nurses station

3. My curtain didn't shut completely and the hole faced the incoming door

4. Babies went home everyday from the B nursery, just not mine

It was a new adjustment but Denise moved over with us and that made it a lot better. We were lucky that she got to because she had just been trained on the A side which meant they wanted her to stay over there. So this meant we were making progress but I had a sneaky suspicion that I had been moved because they needed the spots on the A side.

P.S. I was hoping that if you read this you could just post and say, "I read your blog" you don't even have to say anything else I just want to know who's reading it. Thanks.

episode: feeding time

2009-04-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Feeding a preemie is much different than a newborn. For one thing they can't suck or swallow that's one of the last things babies learn in the womb. The babies had a tube placed through their nose into their tummies and they'd do routine x-ray's to make sure all the tubes were in the right place. When they were first born they ate every 3 hours and a complete meal was 8 ml of food. That's less than 2 teaspoons. That's how little their tiny tummies were. They'd put the food in a syringe and then push it through the tube into their tummies. They also put medicine through the tube and removed bubbles through it so they didn't need to burp. My mom could not get over this she thought it was so cool. When they started eating more they would put the syringe full of food into a little machine that would push it really slowly into their tummies. They received breast milk from a donor until I could get enough to feed them. Luckily this didn't take too long. They mixed the milk with extra calories and also gave them liquid lipids aka fat through a syringe. The babies had terrible acid reflux and through up so much!! It is terrible to watch a baby that tiny gagging and trying to throw up. One time Luca couldn't get it out and the throw up lodged in his throat and he couldn't breathe. I was holding him and noticed that he was kind of acting dead so I asked the nurse to come check him. She couldn't tell what was wrong so she called the head nurse and there was a bit of panic while she came and figured out the problem. Once she knew what it was she had to get it out so he could get air. She gagged him with a nose sucker like a bulimic with her finger. It was terrible but it made him throw up and start to breathe air again. Those were the hard days that had me in tears as I would become very used to. I told the nurse about my own history with acid reflux and she went to bat for me with the neonatologist and got the babies on medication. This helped a lot but they went quite a while before they got the go ahead for medicine. One thing that I was not a fan of was called non-nutritive feeding. It's when you put the baby at the breast while they're being fed through a tube so they start to put two and two together. I'll admit it kind of grossed me out I think I'm the opposite of "earthy". The babies didn't seem to keen on it either but the lactation specialists thought it was fantastic. So I did it but pretty reluctantly.

episode: bath time

2009-03-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

Luca as an old man, all the nurses said so

Stella in a giraffe bed

Well one night my parents and I were hanging out at the babies bedside and I think this was before I was discharged because I was in a wheelchair but forgot to mention this before. In walked Tracy Hansen. Many of you know her older sister Tiffany Hanson. I had found out at Julie Schwartz's bridal shower that her and I were due within a month of each other. She was just a few weeks before me, then in January I heard that he had been born from my mom who's friends with her mom. Anyway he was 1lbs 8 oz I think and it didn't look very good. Man how I prayed for that baby and it scared me to death!! Anyway he was a trooper and he made it and that night in walked Tracy to feed him. I didn't know we were at the same nicu and I was thrilled to see a familiar face. I wasn't sure if she'd recognize me because I looked like crap but she did and we chatted for a minute. At this point he had been there for four months and I admired their strength. She looked great and tiny and I was a little embarassed. We became good friends and chatted about our kids a lot in the lounge, hallway or whatever. I wanted to mention her now because she'll come up later in future episoes.

Anyway so bathtime. The first week I was there with Cam and Kate and Dan one night and they said we were going to have bathtime. We were all a little confused wondering how we were going to bathe babies covered in medical equipment that were the size of a rat. Kate asked if they bathed them in tubs and we got an odd look but we couldn't think of any other way. So here's how it went down. They were in a giraffe bed which has an overhead lamp connected to a thermometer attached to their body and it heats them to the perfect temperature at all times. So we took the babies clothes off and dipped cotton balls in a dish of warm water and wiped them down. First their faces and then their bodies with Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo. The babies were still really lethargic at this point and rarely opened their eyes or made a peep. Then we wrapped them in blankets fresh out of a warmer and snuggled them in for the night. I should probably mention that they were too small to wear preemie clothes at this point so they just wore diapers, and their diapers which were preemie size were so big that we had to fold them in half. I really wish I could go back and take video footage and more photos but I was just too overwhelmed to do it at the time.

2009-03-13T15:31:00.001-07:00

So I have to admit that now that I've made peace with my nicu experience I don't really feel the need to write about it but I do want to have the story written down so I will force myself to write.

I think it was the fourth day and Kate had driven me to the hospital. We sat at the babies bedsides chatting when their nurse asked me if I wanted to hold Luca. Of course I jumped at the chance. I was completely stoked to get to hold my baby. She told me about skin to skin which is when you place the naked baby (wearing a diaper) on your bare chest and snuggle the baby in. It is suppose to be great for development and studies show that preemies that had skin to skin even read better years into the future. I have to be honest, I felt totally weird about it. However I was willing to do anything for them and you get to wear a robe that covers you completely so I agreed. They place little Luca (who didn't have a name at this point) on my chest. The weirdest part about it was that the nurse picked him up with one hand like you'd pick up a small puppy. They were just so tiny. He snuggled into my chest and slept. I cupped his head in my hand and marveled at how itty bitty it was his little fists curled up against me. He was so cute and so fragile that he made me nervous. There were a million little tubes coming off his body but that just didn't matter at the moment. I felt bad that Kate was left sitting there empty handed but I hadn't ever help my baby and I wanted him as long as I could have him. I didn't want to share. After 30 minutes he had to go back. Babies that small get over stimulated really easily. We went home and I was happy.

That night Cam and I came back and he got to hold Luca and I got to hold Stella. They had closed us off in a curtain containing both bedsides but we had to sit pretty far apart so we could each be close enough to the babies machines. We just smiled at each other across the space and marveled at these tiny people. I know I've said it alot but you just can't imagine how tiny they were. If you ever come over ask to see one of their socks. You'll die, you can't even fit it on your finger. Pics lie big time. They look so much smaller in real life.

episode??

2009-03-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

First time holding Stella

Cam's first time holding Luca

First Time Holding Luca

episode ?

2009-03-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

Twins.

I knew nothing about them before I had them. Unlike many people I did not hope and pray for twins my whole life. My only wonderings about twins came during the game of MASH at age 10 when I thought that all twins had to have rhyming names and mine would be Kenny and Jenny. Since then I have not really thought about them. Caitlyn my sister-in-law and Rachel my sister have always wanted them and I have joked that if I got them I would be really mad because that was ridiculous. Well as we all know I did get them and I have learned a lot about twins and what people like to ask about them. I am going to enlighten you now so you don't embarass yourself in the future.

Twin Facts:
1. You absolutely cannot inherit the gene to have identical twins. The are a scientific anomoly and everyone on earth has exactly the same chance of having identical twins as anyone else on the planet.
2. You absolutely cannot inherit twins from the male side. It is impossible. You can only inherit the ability to release two eggs at once during ovulation which then allows two eggs the change of fertilizing during the 'act of love' thus twins happen before the male is even involved so to speak. I have actually gotten into arguments with people about this one so if you don't believe me ask the Dr. or at lease google it. It is impossible.
3. Most people think there is two kinds of twins fraternal and identical but there are actucally 4 kinds of twins 3 kinds are identical and 1 kind is fraternal but there are more fraternal than identical twins.
4. Certain races are more likely to have identical twins than others. African American's have the most twins and Asians have the fewest.
5. Identical twins have to be the same gender. They are one egg splitting into two people with identical DNA they can't be a boy and a girl. So next time you ask someone with a boy and a girl if they're identical note that they are making fun of your stupidity in their heads.
6. Twins can be 4 ways in your uterus:
Two Sacs and Two Placenta's - Least Risky
Two Sacs and One Placenta - more risky
Two Placentas and One Sac - more risky
One Placenta and One Sac - Crazy risky, this is when babies have the chance to have twin to twin transfusion which is when the umbilical cords join and one baby takes all the nutrients and starves the other baby. There was a set of these kind of twins at the NICU at the same time as me and they had to be taken 16 weeks early. Fraternal Twins have to be option 1 identical twins can be any of the 4 depending on which day the egg split after conception. Siamese twins are identical twins that started splitting after the baby had already began to form.
7. Most people think that twins just come early which does happen a lot but most people don't know that twins actually form faster than a singlton. The extra pressure on the uterus causes development to quicken and twins are fully developed at 37 weeks instead of the typical 40 weeks of a singlton. Twins born early do better than singletons born the same gestational week because of this.
8. Your body does not know it's having twins so as soon as your uterus is stretched to about 9 month size your body will start going into labor even thought you may only be 24 weeks along. I went into labor at 25 weeks 28 weeks and 31 weeks, the third time they couldn't stop it and I became a mother.

Now you are a little more enlightened I hope. Next time I will tell you the things you should never say to a mother with twins you run into in the grocery store.

episode XV: The Planet called: NICU

2009-02-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

The nicu is an interesting place with a society / community of its own. I have to admit that as a child I thought it was a place where babies went to die, because that's all I knew of it. This made it intimidating to me but I was also intensely curious. Since most don't much about it I thought I'd share what I learned. The nurses there work three twelve hour shifts a week and that is considered full time. There are actually two nurseries an A nursery for the more severe cases and the B nursery for those who are fairly stable but not ready to go home. The nicu is on the fifth floor and surrounded by windows on most of the A side and half of the B side. When you arrive on the fifth floor you have to call a phone to get into the nicu at all. There is a camera and if they recognize you they just beep you in but if they don't they make you recite a security number that each infant has. I rarely had to say my number. Then when you walk in there is the Parent's Lounge. It is nice family room with books and movies and internet and toys and play house for kids. Then there is a kitchenette, lockers and a bathroom then there is the pumping room where three stations are set up with TV, remote, and recliner are set up and ready for mother's that need to pump (I spent a lot of time there) and all the sterilizing equipment. If you skip the room you go to the front desk and sign in. Then you sanitize and are admitted to the nursery. Each baby is allowed four visitors that can come without you to see the babies. The nursery is long and has several hallway / wings in it. The bedsides (the baby, all their equipment, and a curtain that goes around it all) are along the outside walls with a walkway down the center. One thing I missed out on was the tour that most preterm moms get because I couldn't get out of bed. So on one of my first visits the nurse said I could take a quick peak around but I couldn't ask any questions about the babies or touch them (Like I would?!?). It was on this night that I realized how lucky I was. Have you ever seen a baby the size of a Barbie doll? I mean literally the size of a Barbie doll. I saw babies wrapped in what looked like saran wrap because their skin was so raw. It was a humbling moment for me. There are three main kinds of beds and to tell you the truth I didn't always get how they knew which beds were right for which babies. There were the standard incubators (what you see on TV), Giraffe beds were ones with heaters over the top (what my babies were in) and then a metal crib that looked like a prison cell. Primary care nurses are nurses that sign up to be over your child as much as possible. The nurses get to choose who they want or choose not to have a primary care baby and just get who they're assigned to. We were lucky enough to have three but often times weren't assigned our own nurses. Denise was our main primary care nurse and you'll hear all about her coming up. Weird side note: I had a nurse named Christina whose husband was Cameron and they had a set of twins!! Weird. More to come

episode XIV:

2009-02-20T12:35:00.001-08:00

Well I am getting good practice remembering my roman numerals.

That afternoon was pretty chill. The Sherwoods, and Taylors came over and hung out with me. Julie said, "I know you've told the story 100 times but tell me about it" I realized then that I had not told the story once. Everyone was trying to give me space so everyone talked to my mom to get the scoop. It was nice to be home and have all the needles out of my arms and the masks off my face and the ugly hospital gown off my body. I realized that the hospital didn't send me home with a pump, yet another mess up from mother / baby. The nicu quickly hooked us up and Cam went down to get it. I didn't feel up to going to the hospital that night and felt guilty about it but stayed home anyway. Toni, grandma honey, came over and gave me a killed foot massage. Which was fantastic. That night I slept OK, but in the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom and when I was going back to my room I started passing out. I screamed, "Cam" and then I was out. The next thing I knew I was in bed with Cam's arms wrapped around me. I was so careful that he didn't say, "What?" but just jumped out of bed and caught me in the hall before I hit the floor.

That next week was a big blur. I visited my babies like twice a day and started feeling closer to them. I call this the honeymoon week and since I have noticed that all new nicu moms go through this period. You just don't think it's that bad, the nicu's kind of fun in a way and you get time to sleep. I thought this was going to be a walk in the park.

The first time I met with the neonatologist I asked her how long they would be in the hospital. I was shocked to hear here say at least until their due date (June 9). They seemed so normal to me and I had convinced myself that we'd be out of there in like two weeks. I also asked her to tell me what I was dealing with as far as brain damage, mental handicapps and so forth. She told me she couldn't tell me. We just had to wait and see. That was the hardest part for me. Never knowing. No one will give you answers in the nicu, they're too afraid to, and with reason. It was trying for me to not be able to prepare myself for what was coming or even knowing what that was. The list of what could be wrong with them was endless.

Each day I dragged myself to the hospital and sat by their bedsides overwhelmed and wondering what my future would be with these two tiny babies that hardly moved and never opened their eyes. I began to realized what a miracle being alive is. I started to notice when I took a breath and marveled at the miracle of lungs that worked with out even thinking about it. They nicu sent me home with a 1" thick binder of info on the nicu and preemies and I read the whole thing in the first 2 days. It was how I felt control over the situation. The nicu was a strange place, an entire world all of it's own and I still think about it every day. If I start thinking about it at night, I am shot for sleep and restless nightmares. I never asked if my babies were going to die. I couldn't. I didn't want to know the answer. So I bullied my way through my schedule refusing to be weak.

episdoe XIII: going home

2009-01-28T09:41:00.000-08:00

That night was weird people kept coming in to check my vitals and draw blood every couple hours. Nothing like waking up to a needle in your arm. I kept waking up all night because the nurses who must have been like 19 were screaming and running up and down the halls I heard all about their dates and crushes. I just wanted to sleep. I wish I had had the guts to call and tell them to be quiet. When morning came along I realized that no one had brought me any drugs during the night and I knew I was on a lot of medication at this point. I asked the nurse about it and she looked at my chart and realized they had just forget like 6 medications. I was not happy. It was a Sunday morning and a sweet old couple came by and gave me the sacrament and shared a thought. Like a proud child I showed them my twins pics. They were really sweet. My mom and Cam came by and we decided to go see the babies. The nurse couldn't find a set of montiors that worked to send with me. She was laughing hysterically and kept trying them on herself thinking she was funny. I recognized her as one of the ones running in the hall from the night before. Finally we went up. I was finally well enough to get out of my wheelchair for a couple minutes to look at the kids. I was standing by Luca looking at his tiny body covered in tubes and I felt like I needed to talk to him, explain to him. I said, "I'm so sorry..." I planned on fully apologizing to him but I couldn't get the words out, I totally broke down. I didn't want anyone to see me so I hurried and turned around and got myself under control. My mom and Cam were looking at Stella. We returned to my room and my doctor came by and said I could go home. My mom left to get the house ready and Cam and I scrambled to get things ready, well, mostly Cam. I was ready to get out of there, I hated mother / baby. Cam wheeled me to the elevator and one of the nurses chased after us. She found something in my room that needed to go back to labor and delivery and asked if I would just take a second and run it back to them. I couldn't believe it. They were all just sitting around on their butts and I had just been taken off oxygen and couldn't walk but they wanted me to run an errand for them. I said no. Finally. Downstairs Cam pulled up the car as I waited with the other mother's, they had babies with them. It made me kind of sad to leave them. On the drive home I wished we had a smoother car. Driving up my mom's street I realized that my family might make me a sign like they did for Kate's kids. Then I thought what would they write? They can't welcome the kids home. Then I really felt stupid and empty handed. When we rounded the corner there was a sign. It said, "Welcome Carters" I appreciated that they made an effort. My mom stayed home from church to take care of me, which meant a lot to me because she never missed church. I asked for two grilled cheese sandwhiches. She said she'd make one and then we'd see. She didn't think I could eat two, she was wrong. I was still making up for 5 day of fasting.

episode XII: settling in

2009-01-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

I really appreciate all the comments. Thank you for taking the time and keep them coming.

At this point I had to be transferred down to mother / baby. We gathered all my stuff and headed down. When I passed the nursery full of healthy babies I have to admit I felt sad. My room was decently close to the nurses station and I thought that might be a good thing. The room was like a quarter of the size. Barely enough room for two chairs whereas my other room and tons of room and a bed for Cam to sleep in. One positive thing was that the bed was so much more comfortable. I had been in a delivery bed the past five nights and that is not a comfortable place to be. Even though I had thrown a huge fit about the catheter I was sad to see it go. I was terrified to use the bathroom. When I got down to my room I had to go so two somewhat perturbed nurses took me in and helped me go. It wasn't pleasant but we made it and I settled back in bed. I noticed that my right leg was still totally numb but took that to be the after effects of the epidural. They brought lunch and I was stoked!! I can still remember it was a turkey focaccia sandwich with pasta salad and a chocolate brownie with frosting. It was delicious. Hunger is the best seasoning. I sent Cam home, I was doing fine and he needed a break. I took a nap and then later in the afternoon my mom, aunt Debbie, and my grandma came to see me. They brought french fries and a root beer float (my food of choice during my pregnancy) it was good and nice to have visitors. We decided to go see the babies which was quite the process with all my equipment. It was a quick visit but nice to see the babies. I just looked at them and gave them firm touches. We returned and I think I took another nap. Sandy the secretary that works with my mom came by and brought flowers and a card. Then aunt and uncle Tricia and Jerry came by with their son Parker. It was really nice to visit with them and they were super sweet. I felt bad that I didn't take them to see the babies but I just felt like I couldn't make the trek again. I had dinner and Cam came back to the hospital for a while. Megan Harris also came by and brought a cute frog, my mom took her to see the babies. Cam and I watched 'Deadliest Catch' it was show we'd never seen before about catching crabs. There was a marathon on and we watched it for like four hours. I sent Cam home to sleep because there wasn't much room in this room and I was feeling pretty good. I can't say that I loved the nurses in mother/ baby they were all a little distracted and seemed like they didn't know what was going on. The nicu sent down a picture of each baby and they have no idea how much that meant to me. Late that night I could hear the nurses taking the bassinets around to all the mother's with their new babies inside. I knew there wouldn't be one coming to my room so I got out my pics and just stared at my babies over and over while I heard the cries of the tiny babies all around me.

episode XI: seeing the babies

2009-01-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

While the nurse pushed me in my wheelchair to the nicu and my mom lugged my oxygen tank behind I devised a plan. I had learned in college that I could go into anything with a game face and learn anything I needed to. I wasn't sure how to love my babies but I could learn to take care of them although I was scared to death. As we approached the guy at the desk I began. I asked him what the procedure was to get in the nicu, how did I sign in, where did I enter etc. Then we entered the nicu and I asked how to sanitize and all that. My babies were opposite the door and the first two beds that anyone sees when the walk in. I saw Stella first and she looked sick. She was covered in tubes and wires and had a huge mask over here face that went down her throat. Luca looked better but smaller. They did not feel like my babies. They were owned by the hospital and they would tolerate me because they had to. Each baby had their own nurse and I met and liked both of them. It was odd to have these two strangers that I knew had come from me but I felt no connection to them. I did not speak to the babies this was a mechanical mission. I felt bad for the other baby when I was attending to one so I would go back and forth from bed to bed. I asked Stella's nurse to explain all the cords and tubes to me. I mentally memorized them and what their functions were. It was like cramming for an exam and I was determined to get an A. I asked if I could touch her and she said yes so I tried to pull myself out of my wheelchair and stroked her leg with one finger. I was immediately reprimanded for stroking her. Apparently her skin was too raw and stroking actually causes pain. I was only allowed to firmly place pressure on them. I felt totally inept. I could not even touch my own babies correctly. At this point I started passing out again and my nurse said I had to leave. The entire visit lasted maybe five minutes.

episode X: the morning after

2009-01-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

The night felt weird. I kept waking up all night and thinking there are two people in this hospital that belong to me and I've never even seen them. I couldn't wait to meet them. The night nurse asked me at like 5:00 am if I would like to pump? I looked at her like she was crazy but the nicu sent a paper for me to sign granting permission to give the babies other women's breast milk. That totally grossed me out and though I wasn't sure I wanted to breast feed I quickly agreed. Then she decided to clean my stitches. I'll give her this: she was quick, but OUCH!!! She was not even slightly gentle. At 6:00 I got a new nurse that I liked immensely. She had long dark hair, was funny, older (that always makes me more comfortable, like having your mom there). The first question I asked her was when I could see my babies. She said that I had to make it in a wheel chair and I had to go to the radiology department first. And then blessed food!!! I can still remember it was french toast and bacon and I hadn't eaten in so long. Cam asked, "are you going to eat it all?" I said, "go to the cafeteria I'm eating every bite." It was heaven on earth I can hardly do fast Sunday but 5 day while pregnant was torture. My mom came sometime after that and we headed down to the radiology department. I made it in a wheelchair, yeah!! the plan was to see the babies right after. Looking back I think this was mean, I'd find out later that my kids were down the hall from me, they could've taken me there first. In radiology I had to stand to have my lungs x-rayed. Unfortunately trying to stand made me pass out. I was still extremely low on blood and they were still threatening a transfusion. Then they took me upstairs to see my kids. I was so excited!!

episode IX: a first glimse

2009-01-07T20:07:00.000-08:00

Well they did return, and they brought blessed pictures. Albeit on a tiny little digital camera screen but it was worth it. Everyone was talking about ' boy baby' and he was so cute. I can still remember Kate walking in with tears in her eyes and hands clasped over her chest saying how gorgeous they were and that 'boy baby' would be a heart breaker. In the pictures he was wearing a beanie that covered his eyes and his legs had they white band (blood pressure cuffs I would find out later) that looked just like little snowboarding boots. He had one leg propped up on his bendi bumper (a fake womb, more later). He looked like a lounging slacker and it reminded me of Cam. Don't get me wrong, Cam isn't a slacker but he's mild, relaxed, and snowboards. I thought he was gorgeous but he didn't look a thing like what I'd expect a baby of mine to look like. No one had gotten around Stella yet so there was no news or pics yet. For some reason I wasn't really worried about her. My mom told me that my Uncle Steve had shown up. I didn't know how he'd known, but I needed him. You see my Uncle Steve and I go way back. He used to take me everywhere with him. I went on his dates, we went to McDonald's and took rides in his convertible. My whole life I have tried to measure up to him, and he had come. My eyes filled with tears when he came in and hugged me. I still remember him asking me if I was in pain, and though I wasn't I was so tired I couldn't speak. I remember that my dad and brother Jeff were sick and had to forfeit being around me or the babies but I still remember that my dad drove all the way down there and waved at me from the doorway with a surgical mask on. It was enough. I knew he cared and I loved him for it. The one thing that I really wanted to do before Cam did it for me was tell Rachel the news that I had kept secret for just about the entire pregnancy. I named Stella, Stella Rachel Carter. I have always loved Rachel with a special part of my heart but for some reason I have always felt like she didn't believe me. I only told my mom and Kate (other than Cam of course). At first my mom suggested that I name her Stella Maria Carter which is Rachel and my grandma's middle name, but I refused. I love my grandma dearly but she has babies named after her and I knew that it would diminish it for Rachel. She would assume I had named her for grandma and lumped her in with it. I wanted her to know that it was just her. So when my mom leaned over my bed I told her to bring Rachel to me. I could barely squeak out a whisper but I told her while I held her hand and she said, "you did?" and I could hear the tears in her voice. I cherish that moment. Later I heard her telling others on the phone, "did you hear what her middle name is?" like an excited kid, and I was thrilled. Soon everyone left and it was just Cam and me. I remember Cam saying a prayer for us thanking Heavenly Father that everything had gone all right. A nurse came in and gave me pain killer and told me to buzz if I felt any discomfort because they wanted to catch the pain before it became unbearable. I was very nervous about that. At this point I had no feeling and I didn't want to. I went to bed feeling completely weird.

Some sad Photos

2008-12-18T21:02:00.001-08:00

Luca Andrew Carter on day 1

Stella Rachel Carter on day 1

Me, Cam and my mom right before I delivered.

episode VIII: I'll never be ready

2008-12-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

When I started writing this story I would have to restrain myself from writing too much at one time. Now I am in a slump. I have been waiting for the inspiration to hit but it's not going to so I have decided to write anyways. Here goes...

As loud and crazy as the delivery and five days leading up to it had been the room was suddenly silent. The babies were gone and I was alone and empty. Now only Cam, the OB and I were left in the Sam's Club delivery room. I remember feeling really odd and not knowing what to think. The doctor went to work putting me back together and I adverted my eyes, not wanting to see. One thing I really regret is not paying attention. I never took video footage of the babies in the nicu, or during delivery. I didn't watch anything happen. And as weird as this sounds I never saw my placenta's and I really wanted to. I wish I could go back. At the time it was painful and I thought that only being half there would help me forget this hellish nightmare but instead it was like sewing up a festering wound that is now so infected it hurts worse to go back in and do it right. Cam kept rubbing my stomach and remarking on how perfectly flat it was. He kept saying, "Wow, it looks like you never had a baby." Don't worry that went away quick so don't feel jealous. I remember Cam commenting on the tool box that the doctor kept his instruments in. I didn't talk. It took a total of 15 minutes to deliver the babies from being wheeled in to taking Stella out. It took over 45 minutes to put me back together. The doctor said I was in bad shape. The second obstetrician on duty coerced Cam into going to see how the babies were doing. He left for a bit and then came back to be by my side until they wheeled me back. The doctor said that he talked them into letting me stay one more night in labor & delivery instead of shifting me down to mother / baby. At the time I didn't know what the advantage was, but I'd know soon. As the delivery nurse wheeled me back she asked how I felt. I said, "I don't know." She said, "It's surreal, huh?" That was an understatement. I was left in my room while Cam went to attend to the babies. My room was dark with the only light coming from my open door. I had the shakes bad and couldn't control my body. I asked the nurse when I could see my babies and she said, "when you're well enough to get in a wheel chair."

I was completely alone.

I knew my family was all checking out the babies and I felt like it was the most selfless thing I had ever done to let everyone else see them before me. It was so hard to sit there by myself wondering what they look like, were they OK, and where the hell were they? I thought if there was a fire I wouldn't be able to find them, or even know who they were if I found the nicu, not to mention the fact that I couldn't even roll over by myself. So I waited, and waited, and waited, I knew my mom would come see me after, wouldn't she? I was terrified that no one would come and I would be alone and wondering.

small note

2008-11-29T11:51:00.000-08:00

I just want to say that I have not forgotten about the blog. This next part coming up is very hard for me to talk about for two reasons.

1. It's emotionally hard
2. so much happened that it's all kind of mushed in my brain and hard to straighten out.

I will write again soon so don't stop checking. Thank you so much for all the support. It means the world to me to read your comments and know that you're checking up on me.

Love you big!!

episode VII: birthing in Sam's Club

2008-11-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

The People Who Attended My Birth:

2 obsstetricians

3 labor and delivery nurses

1 pulmanolagist

1 ultrasound technician

1 anesthisiologist

3 labor and delivery nurses

10 neonatal intensive care nurses

1 totally freaked out husband in full surgery garb

So they wheeled me into the concrete box I delivered in and put the breaks on in the middle of the room. There were people swarming all around me. One of the delivery nurses and the anesthisiologist were arguing about which OR to deliver me in. Apparently one was better for a C-section and one was better for a vaginal delivery. I was in the vag. room and that's where the anesthisiologist wanted me because that was the way we were going to attempt to deliver. The nurse wanted me in the other one because they thought it would end up a C-section and she didn't want to take the risk. We stayed where we were. Now the rest of this story is kind of graphic so close this now if you don't want to hear it. I was facing a glass wall and inside were all the NICU nurses preparing to care for the babies. They put my legs up in the stirrups (I couldn't feel them at all) and slathered me down with iodine. I was aware that all the NICU nurses were getting a great show, but I just didn't care at this point. I saw the doctor pick up a scalpel and that's when I closed my eyes. I didn't want to know what was going on. They were all ready to go and the nurse told me that on the next contraction I was suppose to push, and wanted to know if I had taken any labor and delivery classes. I told her I had not, and felt really irresponsible. It's not that we didn't want to, we just didn't get around to it before the babies decided to come. She said, "Well here we go." I replied, "Wait I don't know how." She gave me some simple instructions and I was pleased to note that they were the same ones they always give on A Baby Story on TLC. I have to stop to tell you that the pulmanologist who came was the same 16 year old that tried to explain the cpap to me. I thought that this was probably not his typical day at work and thought that was pretty funny. I begged not to wear the cpap during delivery because I thought I couldn't do it with it on, and they hesitantly agreed. So I start pushing and I couldn't feel a thing but on my third push about 30 seconds later out came Luca (who by the way was just Baby A boy Carter a the time). He was crying and I knew that was a good sign. It seemed like the doctor threw him to a nurse and turned back to deliver Stella. I didn't even get to see him. Pushing out Stella was not quite so easy. She was posterior. For those of you that don't know what that means it means she was upside down. Babies are suppose to be looking down when they come out and she was looking up toward the ceiling. This makes them very hard to get out. I pushed and pushed but I just couldn't get her out. A nurse walked through the room at this time and yelled out that the boy baby was 3lbs 8 oz and breathing. Two men got behind me and started punching my stomach trying to help, and the OB was pulling on her with forceps. I couldn't feel anything but I could tell by the way the men were grunting that they must be pushing pretty hard (I had bruises from this). She still wasn't coming out so the OB yelled for the nurse to start shaving me, they were going to cut her out, and no I did not have a spinal block that most C-section patients get. This was my worst fear, that I would have to deliver both ways. I had told my doctor in advance that I would rather deliver both C-section then attempt to do one and have to do both. Apparently I was SOL. When the doctor picked up the scalpel that was all the prompting I needed and I pushed like I had never pushed before (I actually herniated a disc in my back doing this), and out came Stella. Yea!! But she was purple and wasn't breathing. This was not good.

More to come.

episode VI: you get the picture

2008-11-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

So where were we, I needed the blood tranfusion but I wasn't going to get it until after the delivery. P.S. the epidural was great, so great I almost wasn't alive. This created a bigger dilema on what way to deliver because they were worried that I didn't have the strength to push out two babies and yet they thought I might die during a C-section because I would lose so much blood. Rachel came at this point and I couldn't see her because of the way I was turned but she wrapped her arms around me and said hello and I was in heaven. It boosted me so much and though I couldn't talk to her I was so grateful that she made it down in time. (She had to drive from Logan and no one thought she'd get there in time). Next my in-laws showed up. Now I love my in-laws but if I had a baseball with me and my muscles were working I would have thrown it at them. They brought food, and I hadn't eaten in like 5 days, they just casually ignored me while they chatted by the window about random stuff. I was annoyed and embarrassed and not sure if I was even covered so I asked Cam to make them leave. I just wanted to be alone, at this point my own mom wasn't even coming in. Now I'm logical and looking back I can recognize that they were being so sweet and trying not to make a big deal but hey I was on morphine. It was time to have the babies but the doctors just kept taking their sweet time. Apparently there was a line of people waiting to have their babies and I was like 7th. My mom told me later that the doctor actually left and delivered a baby at another hospital and then came back to deliver mine. It was time now and they unlocked the wheels on my bed and pulled me into the hall. Have you ever walked past something on the floor and thought, "I should pick that up," but then you just keep walking and ignore it because you don't want to? Well that's exactly what happened in the hall. I thought I really should say something. Tell them to take me back and let's let the babies have some more womb time but I felt selfish and I wanted this to be over so I said nothing. This has been another source of great guilt for me. If you're wondering why they were wheeling me out of the delivery room, that's because I had to deliver in an OR, or what I like to call a Sam's Club.

My kids are crying gotta go. More to come.

episode V: yep, still the birth

2008-11-10T20:47:00.000-08:00

So I got in a writing frenzy then just stopped for a week, so thanks for being patient with me. Thank you so much for your comments and thoughts. I read and cherish every one of them.

So it's Friday now and things are not looking so great. I have to be honest I can't remember this day very clearly. I was very drugged at this point and super weak. My mom was there and my in-laws were called, it looked like this was going to be the day. My lungs were doing very poorly and it was decided that I needed a ct scan. Unfortunately they can't bring that to my room so they had to haul me to the radiology department on the first floor (I was on the fifth). This was quite the deal, I had at least 10 things hooked to my body and all of it had to go with me. You know when you go to the grocery cart and there's that cart with the squeaky wheels that won't turn? Well I had the bed version of that and the two young nurse intern things that were in charge of me thought it was hilarious. They must have crashed me into at least 10 more things laughing at each one. I however didn't find it funny. Have you ever crashed with needles in several parts of your body? Not good. So they haul me down to the main floor and I kid you not they took me through the gift shop. I was mortified for about 3 seconds until I realized that there wasn't a person on earth who could recognize me in this state. My mom told me later she warned people that came before they went into my room. So at the radiology department they had to switch me to another bed. They told me to try and move to the other bed and I couldn't even answer them at this point nevertheless switch beds. I hadn't gotten up in days and people had to move my head from side to side. My mom, husband, radiologist and a few nurses had to move me. Nothing makes you feel more like an elephant than needing 5 people to slide you across to another bed. They warned me that the ct scan would make me feel like I was wetting my pants. That was an understatement. It made me feel like hot lava was leaking out of me. Sorry if this is too graphic for any of you. After I went on another crash ride back to my room. The doctors were making frequent trips to my room at this point trying to figure out what to do with me. The contractions were getting unbearable at this point and I was starting to lose it. I could hear the doctors outside my room arguing about what to do with me. One wanted to do an emergency C-section and one wanted to do a vaginal delivery. One of them (the pro C-section doctor) came to my room and asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "Do whatever is the safest for the baby but do something soon, I can't take this much longer." I have to admit that this one statement is the one that has haunted me with guilt for the past 6 months. I thought it would be the statement I'd regret for the rest of my life but through therapy (I'll talk about this more later) I think I'm getting to a much healthier place on this one. A pulmanologist? (can't spell, but lung doctor) came to see me and read my ct scan results. Apparently I had fluid in my lungs that was preventing me from breathing correctly. This was an effect of the mag bag and they tried to get me to do these simple breathing exercises. Even my hugest effort, which produced tiny results landed me in major coughing, gagging fits. I was kept on the oxygen mask and the guy left. My doctor came in and checked me and I was only at a 6-7 and a 100% effaced. They decided to break my water. I was always scared of this because I've heard that it really progresses your labor and hurts a lot. I didn't feel a thing. I guess being really out of it has its pros. I didn't progress much so they put me on pitocin to get my labor going. Now my contractions were really starting to hurt and I asked when I could receive my epidural. They sent the anesthesiologist right in. I loved my anesthesiologist. He was a very tall thin Indian man and super friendly. He actually sat on the floor next to my bed to give me my epidural so that I wouldn't have to move. He was so kind and it touched me deeply to have someone on my side. He also showed me where I could add more medicine if I needed it. Next came another lung doctor who I swear was an intern. He looked about 16 and he brought with him a cpap. Apparently my breathing was getting really bad and the oxygen mask was not nearly enough. The cpap was a large machine with a mask that resembled that of a war pilots attached to it. It was quickly fitted to my head turned on. The only way it can be described is forcing a high powered blow dryer up your nose and turned on full blast. I hated it. It was awkward, loud, uncomfortable, and made me furious. The 'intern' turned to me and said, "has any one explained to you how this works, it's really cool..." I cut him off at this point and said, "I DON'T CARE!!" He left. The machine would get little air pockets in it and make this loud farting noise. It probably would have been funny in other circumstances but at this point I just felt so decrepit and down that it brought tears to my eyes and I felt the lowest I had felt the whole week. The next bit of good news that came was that my hermatacrit was low (blood something) and I needed a blood transfusion.

OK I've rambled too much for one episode. More to come.

episode IV: birth...again

2008-11-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the support!!

At this point I have to go to the bathroom again and the nurse won't let me go. She said I had to use a bed pan (yuck!). It was awful and I thought I was wetting the bed and told her. She said, "well then I'll just wash the bed, it's fine" in a snotty voice. She went to talk to the doctor's and because I had fallen they said I had to have a catheter. She put it in wrong and it hurt a lot but wouldn't take it out and said we had to wait for the doctor (who was in a C-section) to give us a verdict. I was so angry and wanted to rip it out. I was crying and crying and then my grandma showed up. Apparently she had an appointment at the hospital and stopped to visit. I told her what was going on and she wanted to go talk to the nurse but I begged her not to. I was afraid that when she left the nurse would punish me and I couldn't do anything about it. I know this sounds ridiculous but I was on a lot of a drugs. Finally the verdict came in and the catheter was going to stay!! I cried some more. Luckily there is a drug that can numb you so it doesn't hurt and that was added to my long list of drugs. I was relieved that it worked. Eventually my grandma left and my mom and Kate came. All the sudden the nurse became sweet and happy (whatever). The babies were still doing fine but I was not. At this point I have stopped breathing well and am now wearing a nasal canula (the little tube with the nostril nubs). Oxygen saturation levels are measured by how much oxygen is in your blood. It is measured on a scale, 1-100 and below a high 90's your losing brain cells. I kept dipping down to the 80's. Eventually the canula wasn't enough and a lung doctor had to come check it out. They brought an x-ray machine to see what was going on with my lungs. They couldn't see much but I was given a facial mask for oxygen. It itched where it touched my skin and I remember thinking that I was going to have a break out in the shape of the mask. The rest of the day passed without incident, and I got a great nurse at 6:00 during the shift change. Thursday was pretty uneventful. The mag was dragging down my body, I wasn't breathing well, and in case you forgot I'm still in labor having contractions about ever 5 minutes but there isn't much to tell. I'm back to no food and ready to eat my hand, although I'm so beat I don't think I could have eaten if I tried. The nurse brought me a popsicle (the best she could do), but it was orange, which I don't like so I let it melt in the package then tossed it. Oh, yeah one more funny note: when I was checked that day they found the boy baby's hand in my birth canal. Luckily he didn't break my water but that made it so much more real for me. The babies had hands!! (yeah, I know I'm slow).

more to come

episode III: still at the birth

2008-11-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

So at this point I'm absolutely starving. They won't let me have any food in case I go into labor. My contractions have slowed and the morphine is working. Now I'm just sitting around waiting while hanging out with my family. I felt bad for Cam because he was trying to finish up our taxes (this was the very beginning of April) so that he could be there when the babies were born, we had no idea when that would be. My aunt Lisa came by and brought sugar cookies, my favorite food in the whole world. I could not eat them. At this point things were pretty calm and I was actually having a good time. My mom, sister, Cam and I watched the Biggest Loser on TV. The doctor's said I wasn't leaving this hospital until the babies came but they could be born within hours or I could be there for weeks. Not knowing was driving me crazy, being that I'm a complete control freak. Kate, my sister brought a whole bunch of little things that I might need, being that I didn't get to bring a single thing with me. Her and my mom and Cam took turns rubbing my back, which was really sweet. During the show this woman came in from the parent support group to see if I'd like anything. Funded solely by donations they gather all sorts of things like, toiletries, games, sewing activites, treats and come by every Tueday to get you anything you'd like. I was so touched by this and requested some lotion. I had mentioned that I was starving, so she also brought me chocolate, not knowing I couldn't eat anything. My mom refused to eat in front of me so she just didn't eat even though I knew she must be starving. Finally I went to bed with the aid of a sleeping pill while the mag dripped on. Because mag is such a strong degenerating drug they came in every couple hours all night to see if I was still functioning. Not the best sleep I've ever had. Cam slept next to me in a rollaway bed. The next day things were looking pretty good and I got the OK to try and eat something. I remember having a bowl of cereal but not really being able to chew it. No one told me that mag actually paralyzes all your muscles, including your uterus which is why it works. Unfortunately this means that nothing works including your jaw muscles. Don't worry though I still managed to choke down a sugar cookie. Cam left for work and for the first time I was completely alone. I didn't mind though because I was getting pretty used to my surroundings, and things were calm. Up until this point I had loved every nurse I had had, but at 6:00 am that morning I got the nurse from Hell. I didn't know this yet, but I would come to find out soon after Cam left. I had to go to the bathroom and paged the nurse to tell her. She came in and unhooked me from my plethora of wires and then went about charting and fiddling with things. I waited patiently but finally figured out that that was my cue to go by myself so I stood up and immediately felt the cold linoleum on my cheek. Every muscle in my body was paralyzed and so when I stood nothing worked and gravity claimed me. I couldn't even move my arms to catch my fall. So I smashed down flat. The nurse came running over and said, "what are you doing?" I told her I was trying to get to the bathroom and she said, "You were suppose to wait for me. Well that's what you get for trying to go by yourself. Now I have to write you up as falling." I was very embarrassed and kept apologizing to her and trying to laugh while tears streamed down my face. I was hugely and awkwardly pregnant and couldn't even tell if my gown was covering me. At this point she dragged me to the bathroom and insisted that she watch me go, in case I fell off the toilet. In case any of you are wondering it is incredibly difficult to go to the bathroom while someone is watching you. At this point they decided to move me to another room. I was in the main wing at this point and they were starting to think that these babies weren't coming for a while so they put me all by myself in a hall all alone to free up space for people who were "actually going to have their babies".

more to come

episode II: birth continued

2008-11-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I can't stop writing. I look forward to getting online and continuing my story. For all of you that have posted comments or emailed me or sent me facebook messages, thank you so much. Your support means the world to me and I shouldn't be, but I've been incredibly surprised by the outreach people have offered me, so thank you thank you thank you.

So we arrived at the hospital and my mom dropped me off carefully at the entrance and told me not to move and she would come get me after she parked. Well, I was in the wrong place and started walking to the place I was suppose to be at. My mom was mad, but I felt fine. We went up to the fifth floor and I picked up the red phone marked "Use this Phone if you're in Labor" The person who answered waited for me to say something which I thought was funny so I said, "Uh, I'm in labor?" They beeped me in and I stood at the receptionist desk and they started asking me all these questions casually. Finally my mom said, "Um she's in labor can we get her a chair or something?" Then they looked at my file and said, "Oh, you're suppose to be coming in on a gurney from an ambulance." Then they jumped in to action. I thought they'd put me in triage like before but they admitted me and put me in a labor and delivery room. I had a sweet, sweet nurse and she got me all ready. I asked what they deal was, was I having these babies or hanging out or what? They thought the babies would be here soon but they were going to try and stop my labor with magnesium sulfate (the mag bag). It takes 48 hours from the time you get your second steroid injection to fully take effect so we were striving for that. The mag bag is like an IV but it runs through a plastic catheter in your vein. They warned me that it was really awful and made you sick but I wasn't that nervous about it. I was way off. Imagine that you doused your arm in gasoline and lit it on fire and you will start to understand the pain of it. I have never felt burning like that before and I thought I was going to die. Cam sat next to my bed massaging my right arm, trying to help with the pain while I sobbed. At this point I had been in labor for 18 hours without as much as an ibprofen. I felt no pain (besides the mag bag) for all that time. It truly was a miracle. A thought came to my mind, "someone prayed for this" I knew I was being watched over. They brought morphine to help with the mag pain. They injected it into my arm catheter and the nurse asked if it was working. I remember looking at her and saying, "my head is filling up with blood?" The nurse looked at my mom and said, "it's working." Everyone had a good laugh, and recollected the time I had mono and ended up in the ER with my throat closed off. I got some serious drugs and said, "I totally know why people do drugs." I had been made fun of for a long time for that one. At this point there was a lot of wait and see. We had to wait for the verdict on wether the mag bag was working. I had three monitors strapped to me one for each baby and one to measure the contractions. There was a screen on my left that had a green and a left line measuring the babies heartbeats and the bottom black line showed the contractions. The babies looked great and their heartbeats never dropped or showed any sign of distress. The contractions simmered a bit with the mag but they kept coming. I was checked again and there was no progress so that was a good sign but the weird thing is I actually wanted it to progress so I wouldn't look like I was faking it. I have this weird fear that people will think I'm being a drama queen or a hypochondriac.

more to come.

episode I: birth real vs. perceived

2008-11-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

I knew exactly how my birth would go down. With six aunts and two sisters that had already been through it multiple times I knew what to expect. I would go into labor the good old fashioned way within a few days of due date. I would hold off going to the hospital because I wouldn't want to get sent home for not being far enough along. I would walk the neighborhood trying to progress my labor, scared and excited. Then I would go to the American Fork hospital where I would have a standard labor complete with an epidural and deliver two beautiful, healthy babies. The whole family would be waiting anxiously for the phone call and a chance to say congratulations. People would come to see the babies and this would be a cool experience because there would be two babies to pass around instead of one. People would talk about what features looked like which person and decide whether the baby was Otterstrom, Del Carlo, Boynton, or Carter. It would be a joyous time. People would watch through the window as the babies got bathed and strangers would remark, "Twins! how exciting." When it was time to go home I would videotape the babies getting dressed in their special outfits that I had painstakingly picked out. I would drive the babies home and a big sign would be on the house welcoming the babies and people would be waiting. After everyone left my mom would stay and for a week she would be with me in my little house fixing my favorite foods and insisting that I take a nap. Cam would have the week off and we would all be together taking care of our new little ones. It would be a joyous time, and something I had longed for my entire life. It was perfect and the start of happily ever after.

I was wrong.

My birth was totally different. After going into labor at 25 weeks, and 28 weeks and successfully stopping it I was in for another roller coaster. On the day I turned 31 weeks I was having contractions and went to the doctor to have it checked in. The doctor told me the kind of contractions I was having were totally normal so he gave me medication and then sent me to AF hospital to have the babies monitored and to get steroid injections just in case. The babies looked great and I went to my mom's house to hang out. That night around midnight I started having severe contractions that were about 7 min. apart and got stronger. I was suppose to go to the hospital at 10:00 to get the second steroid injection (these rapidly develop the lungs to protect the baby if they come to early). I was too embarrassed to go to the hospital again so I waited it out, but about 2 hours before my scheduled appointment I called and asked to come in early. The nurse was an older lady that mosied about getting me all hooked up. They decided to check me just to make sure. I was at a four and 100% effaced. Then things got crazy. Within minutes the charge nurse was in talking to me about preterm birth, an ultrasound technician was checking the position of the babies (to find out how they needed to be delivered) and my doctor came in to give a verdict. After giving me the drug that stops labor my contractions slowed for about 15 min. then got stronger than before. Apparently AF can only deliver babies that are 7 weeks early or later and I was 9. They were going to transfer me to Utah Valley where they had a level III NICU which is the highest form. They were preparing an ambulance but I asked if my mom could just take me (Cam was at work). They reluctanly agreed but told my mom to go straight there with absolutely not stops, he joked that I couldn't go through the Wendy's driv-thru. On the drive I felt totally peaceful. I remember chatting with my mom about random things and sipping a water bottle only taking short breaks in talking to have a contraction. My mom told me later that she was absolutely terrified. I was sure that I would be home in a few hours my babies safe.

More to come.

2008-10-29T22:00:00.001-07:00

Stella shortly after birth, still very swollen

Luca sucking his thumb

My First Stab at Telling the Babies Story

2008-10-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I have no idea where to start. As I mentioned on our family blog, I have been having some struggles. Apparently I have some post traumatic stress disorder going on. What I went through is often called traumatic birth and many mothers suffer from ptsd after going through it. Hearing this made me feel slightly more normal although it didn't do much for my feelings. I have thought about going in chronological order or just telling individual stories, but I think I'll start with the facts.

Stella and Luca are fraternal twins born on April 11, 2008 at 8:17 and 8:27 pm after 5 days of hospitalized active labor. They were born the traditional way after a long debate from the doctors (another story in itself). They were admitted to the NICU immediately and stayed there for the next 42 days. Weighing in at about 3.5 lbs they were a good size based on the fact that they were due on June 9. Stella was prime to be born first through the whole pregnancy but Luca got his hand in the birth canal and scored himself the position of older brother. Luca scored a bright 7 on the Apgar scale and Stella a measly 3. I did not get to see my babies until the day after delivery. I think that's it for tonight, but I will try and post more tomorrow.