episode: night terror

Clarissa I didn't know your story but thank you for sharing it and your comments.  Everyone, thanks so much for reading and commenting, it really does mean a lot to me.

So I'm going to skip ahead a bit but don't worry I will come back.  I'm going to start where I left off on my last entry.  It is July now.

I was so overwhelmed and saddened by what had happened to Barbara (secretary at school) and I could not put it out of my mind.  I started thinking about the nicu and what happened there constantly.  I would stay up hours into the night just thinking about it.  I thought about what had happened to other babies, sad things that had happened to mine, things I wish I had done differently and thing that nurses or doctors had done that really bothered me.  I would cry and cry and sometimes I even got up and pulled a baby out of bed to sleep on my chest while I cried and held them.  I started having nightmares about the nicu and the babies having to go back to the nicu.  I was an absolute mess.  Then I heard that there was another preemie in the ward and I immediately made contact with the mother.  It turns out Jane Durham who lives around the corner had here baby a little early but it was other medical issues that had put Peter in the nicu.  I didn't even know who she was, I wouldn't have recognized her on the street but I was desperate to help her.  I did what I could although it wasn't much.  I was more concerned with my obsession with the nicu and her situation than anything else.  She wrote a blog and I read it obsessively.  I knew something was wrong with me but I thought I was being dumb and shouldn't be upset about something that happened months ago.  After a few months things weren't getting any better and we had a meeting with our insurance company.  I kept breaking down and crying and the insurance lady thought it was because I was stressed about money which was not it at all.  She walked me and the babies out to the car and I confided in her about what was going on.  She told me I needed to get help and agreed to help me find it.  She called a few days later and told me that I could get counseling for half price with my insurance but after calling around it I found that was still like $60 a session.  I had tried to talk to Cam about it but he really just didn't get it.   He tried to be understanding but he kept asking me why I was upset about something that happened months ago when the babies were now fine.  In Oct. Cam changed jobs and with it came free counseling.  I was elated, and terrified.  I called and made an appointment and that's when I met Aimee Francom.  She would teach me more about myself than I had learned from anyone else.  I'll tell you more in coming posts because I think we can all learn from what Aimee knows.

episode: memorial day

well, I went to the cemetery yesterday for the first time since the babies were born, (last year they were still in the nicu).  We go every year and visit my grandparents.  Unfortunately they both passed before I was born and I never met them.  I have no memories of them and my dad rarely talks about them, thus visiting their graves never gets to me.  This year I walked past a part of the cemetery I never had before (this is in Bountiful).  All of the gravestones were very close together, that's when I realized it was a baby cemetery.  The graves were covered in flowers, stuffed animals, and pictures of Jesus.  I broke down.  I thought of those whose babies don't make it and I looked at the parents visiting their graves.  I wanted to run to them and wrap my arms around them.

After the babies got out, I wanted to go back to work so Cam took time off twice a week so I could teach a computer aided drafting class at the Art's Institute.  While there I met the new secretary.  One day I overheard her talked with the Dean about her daughter who was currently on bed rest in the hospital, pregnant with her first daughter.  They were going to take the baby at 34 weeks.  She was incredibly nervous and I immediately started telling her about my babies.  I remember promising her that at 34 weeks she would be fine.   If my 31 weekers could make it hers definitely could.  I told her about all the technology they have now and my friend that had a 24 weeker make it.  It became a weekly ritual for me to come and see her and reassure her.  One day she wasn't in the office and I knew the time had come.  About a week later she was there again and excitedly I raced in to her office and cheerily said, "How's she doing?"  She looked at me with tear filled eyes and said, "Oh honey, she didn't make it." I'm crying as I tell you this.  I felt terrible that I had encouraged her for all this time and then it was over and Maizy was gone.  I sat with her and cried with her as she showed me pictures of her tiny granddaughter and remember giving her what she called a real hug.  I have been thinking about her all day.  This is her first memorial day.

That is the first time I knew that I was lucky.  The first time I realized that I could've lost my babies.  That really truly they could've died.  I didn't understand how God could let some babies live and some babies die.  I felt very guilty that when I got up in the morning my babies were waiting in their cribs while other parents had empty cribs.  I was so overwhelmed with my almost loss.  This is when I went really down hill and knew that I needed to get some counseling.

episode: other mother's

One of the weirdest thing about the nicu is that you can't talk to other moms or ask any questions without attracting a lot of attention from the nurses.  They are serious about privacy there which is great but seriously hinders making friends and getting the support you need.  I eventually through my qualms out the window and started talking to people.  I found that most people wanted to talk to me too.  I met people of all different situations and cultures.  There's an odd kind of competition spirit going on at the nicu and there really aren't any winners.  If someone says, "My baby stopped breathing twice today" someone else says, "Oh, well mine stops breathing three times a day"  It's like a competition to see who's suffering the most.  On the other hand if you say, "My baby is finally off oxygen," then someone else says, "Oh, well my baby came out breathing room air."  It's like you really can't win.  You other nicu moms that read this did you feel that way? 

One day in the A nursery total chaos broke out and there were doctors running everywhere and sirens going off.  There was obviously a set of twins that had just been admitted in a dire situation.  Kate and I left to get out of the way but I watched for that mother everyday and eventually had a chance to talk to her.  I wanted to help her.  They had one of the worst situations I had ever heard of.  Her and her husband had 9 children under the age of 11 and had just moved to Provo from SLC when their insurance came through and they went to the hospital to get their first ultrasound.  They found out in one shot that they were having twins, their twins had twin to twin transfusion, and they had to be taken immediately at only 24 weeks or lose one of their babies.  It gave me a real reality check at how much worse things could be.  The babies were barely alive and they had 9 at home in a brand new city in which they had lived for three days.  It was very interesting to talk to this couple and I wish I had had time to get to know them better.

I have more stories to tell but this post is getting long so stay tuned.

episode: My Frist Mother's Day

First shout out to Ann!!  I totally remember you.  How is Sam?  Wasn't he your second nicu baby?  I was always jealous that you did your hair while in  the nicu.  Update me.

My first mother's day was not what I assumed it would be.  I woke up early and went to the nicu with Cam.  He had bought me the Juno soundtrack and we listened it to it on the way there.  Sea of Love always reminds me of the nicu now.  When I was getting off the elevator a man I recognized was getting on.  It was LeMar Barrington from my ward growing up.  Karalee, his daughter, was a friend of mine that I had known for years but had lost contact with.  Ironically I had met up with her at the OB's office where she was being seen for her baby due in July.  Seeing her father I knew was not a good sign.  We talked for a minute and I told him I had twins here and was Karalee here.  She was.  He took me to see her and there she was in the A nursery watching her little 28 weeker Joshua.  He looked really good and I remember telling her this.  She had had the baby on Friday at AF in an emergency birth and Joshua had immediately been transferred to UV, she had just been discharged.  We talked for a while then she came to B side to see my twins.  I made her sit down, she had just given birth and was trying to stand to be polite.  Oh how I saw myself in her and wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything.  It was so nice to have someone familiar in the nicu and have the chance to pass on some of the things I'd learned.  We didn't stay long at the hospital because we were going to go to sacrament meeting.

It was the first time I had been to church since the birth of the twins and I was feeling rather uncomfortable.  I did not feel like a mother and I was very emotional.  In my head a mother was someone who put her child to bed, fed them, soothed them, and was totally responsible for them.  Looking at  my babies in a crib in a hospital did not make me feel like a mother but a tolerated by stander.  I was sad.  I wanted my babies home desperately.  We were staying with my mom so we went to her ward's sacrament meeting.  For some reason my family was not there.  We squished in with a family in the middle section and immediately a woman who had had her own set of twins in the nicu a few years back came up and hugged me.  We both started bawling and I told her I just couldn't talk about it yet.  She'll never know how much that meant to me.  I cried through the whole meeting and two rows back on my right, she did too.  People never knew what to say to me at this point.  Everyone just talked to my mom.  I think people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing or offending someone that they say nothing at all.  You don't have to have the magical  gift of words but do something, a cry or a hug is enough.  Some people gave me condolences and other congratulated me.  Both felt wrong but at least they said something.  At the end of the meeting they asked all the women to stand for a gift.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  To me that was for mother's and I wasn't one.  

Oddly this year I felt like a mother and all day Cam and I referred to this as my first mother's day.  Cam made me breakfast in bed and the babies came and hung out on the bed with me while I fed them bits of waffle.  It felt real now.  I knew my babies, I loved them, and I took care of them.  It was a nice day.

episode: The Baby Whisperer part I

One of my favorite people I met in the nicu is Annie Miller, the occupational therapist.  The nicu is her life which is really nice for all of us moms.  She studied babies like you can't believe.  She knew everything about development and could read babies sign incredibly well.  Every Friday she had a class about development that was open to all nicu parents and their families.  It was required that you attend at least once before you could take your baby home.  It was incredibly overwhelming.  You realize just how far behind your baby is and how easy it is to mess your baby up.  I was sitting next to Tracy this day and Annie handed around a sheet showing photo's of babies brains at each week of development.  I remember Tracy pointing at the 25 week brain and saying, "This is what Daniel's brain looks like."  It looked like a shrimp, a tiny little gray uncooked shrimp with a couple veins.  I wondered how our babies could ever be normal when they were so far behind.  She also showed us a picture of two boys wearing glasses with extremely tall and narrow heads.  She explained that when babies are born too early their skulls aren't firm yet and when they lay down their heads start to form to the bed creating 2 flat sides on each side of the head.  The pressure of your brain squeezing like that actually creates major visual impairment because your eyeballs are squished together.  This one really alarmed me because the neonatologists had already pointed out that both of babies had this problem.  The good news is that it can be fixed if you are very diligent for the  first 9 months of life, after this it is what it is.  How you fix it is that you have to rotate their heads like little rotisserie chickens as Annie liked to call it.  Most importantly they need to lay on their back of their heads which preemies don't do naturally.  They have what they call a preemie halo which is a rubber round ring you place behind their head that forces them  to look straight up.  My kids needed to be on it for an hour a day.  I was obsessed with it and would ask the nurse on duty every single day to make sure and do it even though it was already in their charts.  She taught us that our babies already knew who we were and that a baby can smell their mother 30 feet away.  Pretty impressive!!  They cannot see very well though and rarely open their eyes.  Sense of smell develops earlier in the womb and preemies have a heightened sense of smell.  They ask you not to wear any lotion or perfume in the nicu.  She taught us to always touch our baby without saying anything in the same way every time.  Preemies are easily over stimulated and when they are their bodies just shut down.  So you never want to touch and talk to them at the same time.  It is too much for them.  She said that cupping them on the head is a very calming touch so that's what Cam and I decided to do as our signature touch.

I cannot make pics go where I want to save my life so here's Stella's to go with the last post.

episode: one year down

Can you believe it the babies are 1 year old!!  The time has really gone fast in ways and slow in others.  I have had a very emotional day, well morning at least. The birthday was great (I'll be posting about that on the family blog camcarterfamily.blogspot.com) but I also felt a little sad.  This whole week I have been really contemplative.  A year ago I was at a really crazy place and it was panicky.  I have felt really sad because this isn't suppose to be their birthday.  April was not it!  My whole pregnancy I imagined my June babies, my summer babies but that wasn't to be and though I've made peace with it this was just kind of hard.  I didn't expect it but this morning I was just overwhelmed with how hard this has been.  The hardest year of my life for sure.  It's different to feel pain for someone else.  My trial was dealing with my babies trials.  I'm a control freak and I've had no control on this one.  They have grown so much!!  Last night I measured them and took foot prints to compare with their baby ones.  Here's a little about both of them:

Luca Andrew Carter born 4/11/08 8:17 pm

weight: 3 lbs 8 oz current weight 18 lbs 8 oz

length: 16" current length: 28"

Luca is my cuddle bug.  He loves to be held and snuggle in my arms.  His cry is so sad and pathetic that no one can resist picking him up, he melts your heart!!  He loves to splash like crazy in the bathtub and smiles huge when he gets you wet.  He's a good sleeper and goes down easy, he's always the first up in the morning and furiously hungry.  We call him the goat baby because he'll eat anything in a bottle, medicine, any kind of formula, cow milk, juice, cereal you name it.  That has just recently extended to solid food as well.  He is very curious and contemplative and likes to figure out how things work.  He doesn't laugh or smile often but when he does it's worth any effort.  He loves music and will whip lash around to watch the opening of Law & Order SVU and the geico commercials with the stack of cash with eyeballs on it.  He loves reading rainbow and will watch a whole episode without moving.  He likes to drum his hands on anything even his bottle just to hear the sound.  He runs like a maniac in his walker and gets giddy and giggly when he does.  He loves animals they fascinate him and loves to hang out with dad.

Stella Rachel Carter 4/11/08 8:27 pm

weight: 3 lbs 15 oz current weight: 18 lbs 8 0z

height: 16.5" current height: 28"

Stella is my social butterfly.  She loves people and always wants to be in on the fun.  She won't go to sleep or eat if she thinks there's a party going on.  She laughs easily and giggles about the most random things.  She loves it when I make a startled / surprised face and is extremely ticklish.  She laughs so hard she can't breathe and it's so cute with her tiny teeth on the bottom.  She is very independent and likes to do things herself.  She's good at getting around and hates to sit still for any reason.  She loves the bathtub and we like to call her our water baby because she never wants to get out.  She is very self sufficient and rarely requires anything of me.  Whenever I go to get her after a nap or in the morning she's is always sitting up waiting for me with her head pressed between the bars with a huge smile.  She has become the patient baby although that hasn't always been the case.  She loves to look in the mirror, apparently the baby looking back is hilarious!  She likes to growl like a dinosaur or talk in a deep voice that sounds German.  We call her Dinostella, Stellasauras, or Frau Stella.  Recently she has been saying yoydle a lot (which rhymes with soy-dole) she says it over and over very fast and it cracks us up.  She loves the cell phones and begs for it while I'm talking on it.  She loves to hear grandma say hi on the phone, it's a big thrill.  Daddy coming home is her favorite time of the day, oh how she flirts with him.

Oh how I love my two babies!!  They may be exactly the same weight and length right now but they definitely have different personalites.